I had big plans for today. However, nothings getting done and here I am writing on my blog. I'm not sure where to begin with all these mixed feeling I'm having. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed. I should probably just forget those big plans and do something I just WANT to do, but I know those big plans will be waiting for me when I'm done. I think I expect a little too much from myself. However, I just can't help it.
My little boy won't eat. It's driving me crazy. I offered him some oatmeal with his favorite fruit puree in it. He wouldn't eat it (even though he would last night). So I later offered him a banana. He wouldn't eat it. He did eat a small handful of cheerios. Why, oh why, won't he just eat something?
My little boy busted his lip pretty good this morning (he slipped and landed on a toy). There were lots of tears and even a little bit of blood. Now it's all swollen and big. Did I mention the morning was going REALLY, really well up to that point? It's been whining, tears, and lots of holding since then.
I'm really tired of being patient. I want my kitchen trim painted so I don't have to do it. I want one room in our house to be completely "done". I want time to shoot some more art work. I miss it. I want it to be 65 degrees outside so I can get some fresh air.
Do things get easier? I want to have another kid, but I feel like I can't handle the one I have right now. Well - it's not that I can't handle him - I can't handle myself. Do you ever stop doubting yourself and your mommy abilities? Do you ever get time for yourself? How are you supposed to take care of yourself first when its hard to even get a shower in? How many kids am I really expected to have? I don't know if I want to hear any honest answers right now. I just want to hear "Everything will be okay. Things are 10 times easier the second time around. Leon will start doing everything you want him to do. Just give it a little time - you know - like a week or so. " I have a pretty good feeling that isn't the case, but I want it SOO badly right now.
So sorry to burden you with all my mommy woes, but I don't know where else to go but this life-saving blog sometimes. I hate complaining - I hate myself when I am being ungrateful, but sometimes I just can't keep it bottled up inside. I'm not looking for any "poor Kelly" comments. AND I want everyone to know I love my baby and I love my mommyhood. I just need to let it out. Let it all out.
Maybe he doesn't want to eat because his lip hurts. ??? Sometimes kids just won't eat much one day and then the next will scarf stuff down. I think it all balances out in the end and he'll be fine. They say if you want to see if they are eating a balanced diet to see what they eat during a 2 or 3 day period b/c of that. And, yes, as they get older you can find a little time for yourself here and there, but once they start walking and climbing, watch out! :) It sure takes a lot being a mom, huh? Sometimes I feel the same way you do about needing time to yourself, yet wanting to love and be good at every moment of motherhood! :) Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too selfish, or do I really deserve a break? I guess there is a time and season for everything, yet a balance is needed sometimes too. So many things to think about and learn while here on this earth! It's just plain crazy.
ReplyDeleteI think you're allowed to get overwhelmed. The trick is, i think, to not feel guilty for it. I'm trying to learn to say "I'm overwhelmed and that's fine," and not to start thinking about how I should be able to handle it, or maybe I'm not good enough and that's why I'm overwhelmed. I think motherhood is overwhelming sometimes and we just need to let go and embrace it. It's helped me move on from those moments a lot faster than when I agonize over the fact that I am overwhelmed. Does that make sense? If not, call me and we can have a great chat about it. I've thought about this a lot lately =)
ReplyDeleteIt IS hard. Sometimes, really hard. But you know what? It does get better. You get better, he gets better or sometimes you just get a break. (Mommy vacations are worth their weight in gold and my sanity and if Kyle needs convincing, send him over!) The thing is, it doesn't usually seem to happen when I would like it too. When those moments of "better" come, sometimes I am surprised that I got there, that I lasted!
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you can't tell from your comments-you are not alone, we can all relate, and most likely would all love to help when the day gets really bad. So, give me a call sometime and I will come paint you kitchen trim.
I think anyone who is a mom and honest has felt everything you just said. =)
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